Grandma B

I know my Grandma is with me quite often these days.  Today she has been making a large a presence.  I made batter for crepes yesterday and have been making them up this morning.  I was looking through old emails to find a Christmas Service Ideas email and I found an email that my Grandma sent me when I was in Austraila and wanting to make a Thanksgiving Dinner for them.  She told me how to make the turkey and rolls.  I had a recipe in mind for both of those things this year, but of course I will now be using my Grandma's recipe and doing it her way. =)

I just went back to my emails and randomly found a journal entry I made the day my Grandma died.
"9/2/03

My Grandmother died today.  The only grandma I ever knew.  The one I lived with for 6 years of my life.  The one that taught me the most about being a lady and how to care for the home.  I wish she never got sick.  I miss her so much.  I wasn't done learning from her.  Why did she have to go now?  I thought she would get better.  I just wasn't done.  I thought my kids would know her.  I guess they are with her now.  But I thought she would be there for my wedding.  I feel so empty. 

 

I wonder what she is doing now.  Is she able to see us?  And comfort us?  Can she help us through this in anyway?  I can't imagine what mom is going through.  I don't ever want to imagine my life without her.  I have tried sometimes and I just know I would lose it.  I can't think of it.  I know that I would not be able to go on.  I would just be lost.

 

Its also Labor Day today.  It seems like the last 2 holidays have been filled with memories of Grandma.  On the 4th of July she was moved out of her home to an old peoples home.  I think that played a big role in her deterioration.  I would fall to pieces too if I was torn out of my home.  But I try to remember that now she is more at home than anyone here.  She is with Frank (her first husband) And Ted (her eldest son)  I'm sure they must all be so happy.  And she is well.  And beautiful.  But I'm selfish and I want her back.  I love her and miss her."

 

This time of year my thoughts and feelings for my Grandma are so strong.  I decorate my house with decorations that were hers.  Before I start putting them out I take a moment to think of my Grandma and reflect on all the times I helped her put these decorations in her own home. 

 

I have had so many more dreams about her lately; that she is alive, and in her home again.  I'm so excited and I remember, "I have to give her back her decorations so we can put them in her house."  I love the dreams I have where Grandma is alive again.  I welcome them and invite them to linger in my thoughts for as long as they can stay.

 

I like to think about making Pineapple Upside Down Cake, watch the Sound of Music with her while eating popcorn from her popcorn machine! Or laying in her lap and having her stroke my hair.  There are many memories.  But today I know her spirit is with me, because she is popping up everywhere.