Trust Issues vs. Date Night

Trust Issues translate into no date nights for Evan and I.

Tonight was the straw that broke the Stay at Home Mom's back.  I so rarely ever need a sitter.  When I do need one it is not an issue to get one.  My Mother in Law or Visiting Teacher are available to watch him.  This month has been abnormally full of needs to have someone watch Reagan.  The biggest issue is that I need the sitters at night to be here and just sit while Reagan is sleeping.  At this point my pickings are very slim.  The adults that I might have asked have their own families to take care of at night.  There is only 1 Youth that I would trust to sit with my baby.  I did use her once this month.  She did great and I will absolutely use her again.  But with youth comes needing to actually pay them money.  I can't pull the Family Card, or pay her in baked goods like I do her Mom. =) heehee

There was a Shelf Reliance conference that came to Nashville that I really wanted to go to.  But I couldn't find a sitter.  Then, Evan had a very rare night off and wanted to take me out.  Same scenario, no sitter available.  Evan had another free evening tonight and we actually set up a really fun date.  We never have any good plans for our dates.  Only the typical dinner and ice cream out without a baby.  But this time we were going to go to the Bell Witch caves and take a Spooky Hayride with another couple.  I was really really looking forward to this date and I had been trying to find a sitter all week.  But it takes time when all you have for some people is an email and you need to wait for the reply.  And even making the phone calls or texting takes time to get replies as well.  Anyway, once again no luck at all getting a sitter.

I'm just so frustrated at this point.  It's no wonder marriages fail after having children.  It takes moving mountains to get child care and if I had to pay for a sitter every time I needed to go out I would also be broke.  So I totally get it!  This months experiences really put me in a place of never wanting to try anymore.  I hate the hassle.  I'm really beat after all the work it took to find a sitter only to NOT find one.  I'm very discouraged.  I broke down and balled this afternoon.  Just the whole everything of it all came down...

My need to get out of the house in general, my need to get out of the house away from my baby (even though I love him to death I know I need time without him), my need to get out of the house and be courted by my Husband.  (We do hope for more babies someday, knowing the person I'll be creating them with is preferable), the deflation of being so excited about a fun unique date and having it slip away was devastating.  I had wanted it so badly, needed it so badly.  Frustration that no one seemed to want to watch my baby.  How can everyone I asked be busy?!!

Okay so to try and even the playing field, there was one person that could watch him but Reagan would not be back home until well after 9pm.  That is ridiculously beyond his bed time.  Had his week not already been messed up I would have been okay with this but Monday I kept him up so that he could see his Papa for a little bit that day, Tuesday his babysitter didn't put him to bed until a smidgen before 9. (which I told her was okay if she wanted to play with him past his bedtime) I think I only put him to bed twice this week.  So this would have been another person putting him to bed not me, and late at night.  I just didn't want to do that to him. 

There are other people I could have asked but I have serious trust issues when it comes to the people that watch my baby.  Until he is able to communicate really well my list of people to watch my Son is very, very small.  Nothing is worth my son's physical or mental health.  Or my mental health.  I will not be pressured by peoples opinions of how I parent my baby or feel bad if I hurt people's feelings if I don't let them watch my baby.  It is more my mental health, I feel like the people I associate with are good people, at face value I feel like I can trust them with my son.  But there is something in me that holds me back and just CAN'T leave my son alone with them.  My mind starts to turn, "you don't ever really know what someone is like when they are alone."  "You will have no way of knowing if something happens to Reagan while you are gone."  I just couldn't live with myself if something happened to Reagan because I handed him over into their hands.

So no date night...again.  I'm really so upset it is sucking all my energy.  I'm so drained and discouraged.  I wish I had more fattening ice cream to veg out on then this healthy Mango sorbet.  Where are my Milano cookies and Rocky Road  ice cream, or something from Ben & Jerry's?  I need to self sooth!! =P