Mixed Emotions

I'm having many mixed emotions with our latest addition.

• I want to be done with this pregnancy.  I'm really looking forward to getting back in shape.  and getting my emotions back.  In a way I know I will still have strong emotions, I remember them from when we had Reagan.  But right now I'm at that point where I'm very uncomfortable in my skin.  It feels all tingly, creepy crawly and I just want out of it, it sort brings on a general edginess, that doesn't have me getting upset of anything, just annoyed very quickly at little things.  For example, when I was getting my facial on Saturday I got all annoyed and tense because she was rubbing around my forehead for too long!  It just got on my nerves and made me feel all squirmy like I had to shake my head and rub away her touch.
• I also want my body back so that I can be a more regular Mama for Reagan.  It is really bothering me more and more that he can't fit on my lap at all, I tried dancing with him a couple nights ago and my back was killing me, not to mention it was just so hard and awkward to hold him.  I'm starting to feel like I'm putting my energy in the wrong places.  I put all my energy into getting this house together so I can "relax" once he arrives.  And I only stop when I'm too exhausted to do anything.  So I finally collapse on the couch and don't have enough to do anything with Reagan anymore.  But, it is harder to play with Reagan anyway, he either plays while I just sit next to him, because he doesn't want me to play trains with him.  Or he wants me to be super physically active with him and I can't do that.  Cleaning the house I can at least do at my own snails pace.  But I still feel bad and just want my body back enough so I can give him more of what he needs and wants.
• At the same time, I'm scared to add another baby...too late for that thought!! =)  Part of my frustration with not being able to be the Mama I want for Reagan.  I remember thinking when I found out I was pregnant, "I still have 9 months with Reagan to have just "us" time."  But I feel my physical limitations have cut into the time we were supposed to have, I was exhausted in the beginning, and I'm exhausted again.  I'm don't feel ready, I want more time with Reagan, especially right now when he is needing so much from me.  I don't want to let him down.  I want to give him all my love.
• However, I'm also very excited to see Reagan and his new Brother interact.  I know Reagan will be a wonderful big brother and very helpful.  So in that respect I'm very excited.
• I also just want to get this all going and get it over with!  I just want to get through the sleepless nights, diapers, and terrible twos.  That is another part of my fears, I don't know what trials this baby will bring, and how he will help me grow and that has me very scared.  I don't think I'm ready for more growing, but I do try to have faith in God's plan.
• I also am scared for Evan and I.  I remember how things were when Reagan was born, we really grew apart and I personally felt so disconnected and alone and frustrated.  I remember some of our struggles and I really don't want to go through that again.  These were for sure New baby related, it was a different, and difficult transition.  I feel like we have been doing so well and things have been so nice for such a long stretch I'm scared for any smidgen of the past to repeat its self, I fear because I can feel it already a little bit in me, this feeling of aloneness and needing more support. 

So there it is, I want this baby to be here just to get it started and get it going, but I don't because of fear.  Every time I hear the word 'fear' I remember the quote, "Replace Fear, with Faith."  I won't have a choice some day soon.  But in the mean time, I try.