We stayed in the hospital for only 24hours. They preferred 2 days, but I wanted out of there, I have such a strong urge to keep Reagan's routine as normal as possible. So I wanted to be there for him.
I was VERY scared to be alone with my boys. We got home late Thursday, and Evan was going back to work Friday. So he lovingly agreed to give me a blessing. I know that helped. I also called a friend of mine to come and spend the day with me. Thankfully she was available. She really didn't DO a lot. But her presence was the most priceless. Just knowing she was there for me if I did need her was what I needed most. I know she would have done more if I asked, but I was carrying on and just doing what I do; slower than usual, but I was getting it done.
I totally had the tears for no reason. For a few days I was on the brink of tears 24/7 for reasons I could verbalize. Two of my biggest tear jerkers were 1. Feeling like I'm not giving everything to Reagan that he needs. I can feel the difference and change and he seems to be doing awesome, but for whatever reason my heart aches to spend every second with him and if I don't I feel bad. Not guilty, just sad because I want things to stay the same. I want him get my best. After having Gideon my love for Reagan has just grown stronger and I want to show him that. The same is also true of Evan. He is my #2 tear jerker. I feel a super, super huge urge to be held by Evan all the time. I feel a need to have some part of me be touching him at all times. I can't get enough hugs or affection from him. If I don't get the affection I need I cry because I just feel empty and starved. I feel like I have not had contact with him in years and I'm trying to all of a sudden make up for years of famine. Which may work for his benefit if these feelings continue at the conclusion of 6 weeks!!! =) I know I didn't feel this way at all after Reagan's birth.
However, it seems like my weepies have gone away for now. Thank goodness. I'm actually feeling so great!! Knock on wood!!
It was perfect to have the weekend with Evan to help me get a handle on things and get a game plan together. I was pretty nervous again come Monday to be alone with them all day...and have a whole week until Evan was around to help me again. But I've done awesome!! I'm feeling better and better everyday physically which means I can play more with Reagan, which helps me to feel better. And since the baby sleeps so much I think that helps Reagan and I with the transition. I love my boys. I love being a Mama. My heart is full of love! I hope things continue to go well. I will do my best to take everything one moment at a time. It seems to be working so far.
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