For a few days now I have felt very down and negative. Not all the time, just in waves...or at certain times. I'm just struggling so much to work through my thoughts and feelings. To sort them into their proper category of, constructive helpful thoughts, and negative destructive thoughts. It's difficult at times to understand and figure out which are which because all of them can, at times seem logical and true.
It's been very consuming at times. I can get frozen and stunned, stuck in a hold of thoughts after thoughts and at the end I'm not any closer to feeling better or making sense of it all. I haven't known if my feelings are just pregnancy hormone related or true feelings and things I would be going though pregnant or not. Sometimes I hope it is pregnancy so that I can comfort myself with knowing, I'm really okay, it's just hormones and I'm not thinking straight due to the baby. But at other times giving the excuse of baby hormones makes me mad and feels a little nuts. Like my thoughts or feelings aren't my own. So how then am I supposed to know how to deal with it and which thoughts are real and true, and which are just hormonal. How can I truly work on and fix something if I don't know what's sane? Does that make sense?!
I've been praying in my heart almost constantly. I want to kneel and pray more, and I was doing very good on blowing through my scripture reading. But I hit a point just recently where the numbness was kicking in, and I was just an empty hollow, not even really able to read anything. When I would try nothing was happening. I couldn't even make the words come off the page. The sentences wouldn't even really form and my prayers turned so cold. I couldn't muster the feelings I usually have. The best way I can describe how I have been feeling lately is really just Cold and Numb. All of me was gone, my heart and spirit felt totally gone. I had nothing in me anymore.
Anyway, I went to the Temple yesterday. I LOVE the temple!!! I miss having it 15 minutes away and being able to go ANYTIME of day. Before going to the temple, during my moments of being tuned in to life and having a little breathe of life I was praying for guidance and help. Anytime my heart would come back, or turn back on, in the slightest I was praying in my heart. I wanted to heal and understand I wanted to get past this. I wanted to make sense of it all and know what was real. While in the temple I just kept praying for help. Since I still didn't know exactly what to even pray for, or what my real issue was. I really just had to trust in what I have been promised my whole life, "God knows your heart. He knows you better then you know yourself. He will take your burdens and make them light." I wasn't trying to put God to the test, but in a sense at this point I was because I had nothing left.
Oddly enough as I was in the temple I didn't feel any huge revelations, nor did I feel alone. I did feel a lot better just being within the walls. I felt safe and protected for a few hours. I knew my prayers had been heard, but not necessarily answered yet. Instead, the biggest thought that came to my mind was to call up my Mother in law and see if she had any old Ensign magazines for an FHE idea I have been wanting to do for awhile. I have been wanting to make a collage with Evan of our "Dream Family", cut out words and pictures that represent the type of family we want to have or be. I hesitate to use the words "Family Goals" because I just found out last Monday that E doesn't like goals. (weird)
After I left the Temple I called my MIL and she ended up having somethings we could use, so I called up E and asked him to pick them up on his way home from work. Today, I thought I would make a little side collage for myself so I started opening the ensign's and church newspapers and started cutting out different things. Only one article really FELL open to me. I have no idea why of all the articles I would pick to read this one, there wasn't anything eye catching about the title I wasn't wanting to read anything, it just comes down to the fact that I WAS reading it, without even really meaning to. Right Away, I knew this article was for me. I have NEVER in my life related to an article or story so completely, NEVER has a story been so relevant to me. I kept wishing the article would go on and on so I could find out how my life was going to end.
After I was done it hit me how my Father in Heaven had answered my prayers. I had NO idea asking for old magazines to cut up would mean so much. But God did. He knows what he is doing. He loves me and wants me to be happy and feel peace. He cares about my success and the success of my family. He has a plan. It was so nice to have this simple yet so impactful experience. I needed it. It showed me that He cares and wants success, He is Very aware. He doesn't want me to give up. I'm so thankful this woman wrote this article. I wish I could meet her and let her know just what this did for me. I wonder if maybe God had just me in mind so long ago when he put into motion this article. Was this whole article just for me?
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