Root of all Evil

I hate money.  I hate the way it affects me.  We have really been scrimping and cutting back and cutting back.  Every month I see how we aren't cutting it and I try to find somewhere or something else to cut.  We have a bill due on the 1st, not late until the 5th, we get paid on the 7th, so we drop off a payment after closing on the 5th, and pray they don't cash it until late on the 6th, best case scenario on the 7th.  That has seemed to be our life.  I hate living this way.  I have cut back everything except for tithing.

I'm ashamed to say a couple months ago this was our situation.  Evan had not yet got his GI bill money for school and we were in a rough spot.  I had cut back all I could think of.  I couldn't help but ask Heavenly Father why he wasn't helping us financially yet?  This has been going on since we moved to TN.  Only getting worse adding an extra member to the family.  I was at my end and a couple months ago finally decided I had to stop paying tithing.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I knew all that I was stepping into, all I was giving up.  I knew what not paying tithing meant but I really didn't see any other way.  I had done everything, I was at my end.  I even made not paying tithing a matter of prayer.  I asked for forgiveness before I even didn't pay it.  I was ashamed at my lack of faith.  Really ashamed.

I believe it was a Friday or Saturday a couple months back Evan was at the computer and mentioned we should be getting the GI bill payment by now.  I didn't expect it.  We had been waiting on it for so long.  But low and behold it was there.  And it was a very sufficient amount!  I was totally in shock.  As Evan's back was to me tears began streaming from my face.  By the time Evan turned around I was speechless.  He came over and held me as silent tears turned into sobs.  Sobbing for the miracle, for the blessing, for my lack of faith, for answered prayers, for the financial relief.  Mostly it was the financial relief.  My body was letting go.

I had no idea the tension my body had been holding onto.  I have a horrible problem clinching my teeth.  So hard my teeth ache to floss them on my left side.  It goes into my neck and shoulders.  Ever since this money has been given to us I have not clinched my teeth.  I was even clinching them through out the day.  I noticed right away how great my jaw felt.  My body felt so light and healthy.

I'm thankful we were blessed to be able to pay tithing.  I do have a testimony of tithing.  When I was at my end and frustrated by not being able to pay tithing the Lord stepped in and saved us.  I know everything we have is from him.  The money I was thinking of keeping back wasn't mine to keep back.  In reality I was stealing from God.  My heart was there, I had made up my mind.  Heavenly Father helped us.  He provides.

Why am I writing this now?  Why not a couple months ago when it happened?  Well, I had wanted to, I just didn't.  Since then I have totally stopped taking care of our finances.  Every month I do our budget and calculating.  But I stopped.  I believe it was just a mental, and emotional money break down.  Well I'm back.  I can see you can't take a break from your finances.  Ignoring them doesn't make it go away.  But man, that is hard sometimes.  For me, the more I ignore it the worse I feel inside.  Not knowing is worse than knowing and actively doing something to fix it.  Today I was pretty nervous to get online and see where we were at.  My stomach got all sick feeling and I felt dizzy.  Come to find out we were in a really great place!!  I was very happy to see that.  But I'm so angry to see how money affects me physically.  I really hate it!!  When will I have a positive, or at least healthy relationship with money?  I don't like how it takes over my mood, emotions, and body.