I'm really trying to work through my emotions and be as healthy as possible. For awhile in my life I didn't want kids or marriage, I was having fun being single, dancing and doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Then in a snap it changed. I wanted to be in a committed long term relationship, get married and have babies. For awhile it was so strong to settle down I became a Nanny to help ease my baby craving. Then I met Evan, and knew he would be the perfect Daddy since he has wanted to be a Daddy FOREVER!!! And his personality was specially created to be a Daddy to my children, and a support to me as a Mom. I should add, I off and on struggle with my HUGE weaknesses and a stronger urge over takes me and I don't want to have any children EVER. I don't want to submit a helpless innocent child to my insanity. I want to be a good Mom and have lots of babies and be the Mommy in my dreams, but I have a reality that is my personality, as a service to my posterity I feel I should not have kids. I can't help but feel the best thing I could do as a mom, is not to be one.
I'm very strick, selfish, and I take failure very personally. I break down easily when things don't go my way. It's not so much that I want my way, it's just hard for me to see it right any other way. And I just want everything perfect. I have been trying to help myself feel better about being a Mom. I read online about bonding with your baby, reading this almost made me cry,
"Your baby is also developing a bond with you, even in the womb. Studies show that his heart will beat a little faster at the sound of your voice. It's something that will excite and comfort your child now and for years to come." (how sweet is that?!!)
It's the "bond" I'm afraid of. If I don't care about someone, what they think of me doesn't matter, or my success with them doesn't bother me. I know I will unbelievably love this baby!
I have a fear that my need to have everything be perfect and know everything, will throw me over the edge when the baby cries for hours and after doing all I can think of and nothing has helped, my past tells me I will shut down and want to run away. I fear I will take my inability to sooth and have a happy baby as the #1 hugest failure on this earth. Of anything I have ever had to do in my life this is the biggest responsibility I will ever have. I'm so fearful of how I react now with the trivial things that I don't have control over, how much worse will I be being a Mom? I only have my past and present to go on, so I'm sure anyone that knows me can see where I'm coming from.
I totally understand these fears are on some level irrational, but I have them. A phrase a Bishop told to me once is a little comfort, "Replace Fear with Faith" I love that idea, and I'm able to do it until I'm eye balls deep in my frustration and get overcome so quickly with the feelings Satan loves me to feel so often. We are told when life gets too tough to stand, kneel. But what about when life hits you so fast you react before your conscious mind has a chance to kick in and suggest kneeling?
Another reason I'm struggling with being a Mom right now is all Evan's fault. He is so wonderful. I admit, I'm very selfish and I don't want to share him or his love with anyone. I have never been in a relationship where I trust someone, or one where I KNOW they really love me, that they will really never leave. I have never had someone all to myself. I really love it just the two of us. I've never had a Husband and I'm really enjoying just being married and focusing on improving our relationship and working on being a better Wife. I'm get very sad when I think of how little time is left for just the 2 of us. I can't even imagine how much our life will change and I don't want it to. I'm so in love, and just want it to be just us forever. I felt this before we got pregnant and I prayed to feel different and be less selfish. I love having all of Evan's heart and attention!!! I can't express in words how happy that makes me. I'm already jealous that in a few months I will have to share it.
And if I'm being totally honest I have a little fear that Evan will love this baby more then me.
I know to have a family is God's plan and righteous. It is what I'm supposed to do and want. I do, I'm just currently struggling with all the change that will happen soon. I'm very scared, even though I do know deep down everything will be alright, I know God will take care of me and my family, and despite what I want or how I feel, God knows best and he will be there for me, along with a very supportive, wonderful extended family that I know I can fully rely on to just love me and not judge.
With that said, I welcome your comments, but I don't need the ones telling me I'm crazy for thinking or feeling how I do, or that I don't really mean what I'm saying. I'm also not looking for people to tell me how great of a Mom I'll be. I just needed to get out my feelings. I'm hopeful all will be well, if it was me alone I know I would fall, but with my Father in Heaven I know all will be taken care of, He is the Miracle Worker.
Motherhood will bring me closer to my Father in Heaven then any other life experience ever could! What a blessing!
i always appreciate your total honesty and since i already knew the bulk of this, i am not having the shock factor that others may be having reading it. :) it's hard to hear these things from a pregnant woman but i think you are explaining yourself very well. i think you are brave for putting it out there. i think you are right that this experience will bring you closer to heavenly father than any other would...b/c it is a deep fear which means you will cry out to him for help. it IS going to be hard as it is life changing. sometimes i think it is best to go with what you think it the worst that can happen and then maybe it's not so bad...maybe it's even okay and maybe it's even wonderful. i thought having the twins was going to be SO hard and i really had this picture built up in my head. then it was such a releif b/c they were actually easy, lol! easier than my experience with one baby. i'm not saying this baby is going to be easy. there will be times the baby will cry and nothing you do will calm it and you will cry too. you will cry together and you will pray. jenn, you SO HAVE TO read that book you bought me for my birthday. i think you will be able to FEAST on it! the baby will bring you and evan closer than you can imagine. you will revel in what you have created together and he will love you all the more for giving him this wonderful gift, this gift that no other has! if you don't feel right, don't feel sane, don't feel safe, you go see your doc IMMEDIATELY. post pardum depression is VERY common and with the 'insane' feelings you already have, you are probably more pre disposed to it so get some help if or when it is needed. you know we are here for you. if you have to come stay with us during the days while evan is gone, you know you can. we can drive everywhere together if that is what makes you feel better. you'll go running back home to your crying baby after being with my 4! :) i also think you will just be amazed at how much less selfish you will be when you meet your precious baby. and don't expect to bond immediately, it doesn't work that way for everyone. you can learn to love your baby and bond with him as you get to know eachother. however, if you feel like you don't like him or don't want him right away...see the doc! this baby is going to help you grow and humble you in ways you just can't even imagine! and i'm just going to go ahead and say it anyway...you will be a good mom, you already are in that you are so worried that you won't be. look at how you are trying so hard! i'm proud of you! :) you were handpicked to be this baby's mommy and you're gonna do just fine! this baby will grow you up and take the selfish right out of you, lol!
ReplyDeleteThank you Laura, what wonderful words! For sure this baby will take the selfish right out of me! I know that! =)...at least, I hope so! =)
ReplyDeleteTrust me, I have already planned on living at your house during the day if I need to! =)
I wrote the post to document a real feeling I'm having, in hopes of looking back on it later and smiling at how far I've come, and how it's not as bad as I had thought it was going to be.