Week 23 update

My bloat has turned into a baby bump now.  Maybe it was there awhile ago but I never noticed.  This week I had an interview and forgot to tell them I was pregnant, but I went back the next day to talk to them and let them know, the manager said she was going to ask me about it later that day.  I was surprised and asked her how she knew, she said she saw my bump.  Then after asking Evan and Laura they both said they also could see a noticeable difference.  Maybe because I look at myself all the time I don't notice, but to me it doesn't look pregnant it really just looks nasty and fat to me.

Thank goodness I get to hear, see and feel the baby otherwise I would think I'm seriously just getting fat.

This week has been without the slightest exaggeration one of the hardest in my life.  I will never say my life can't get any worse because it always can.  I now know you can not look at someone, or a family and think you know what is going on in their life.  We don't ever really know what someone or a family might be dealing with.  It makes me want to be very gentle and more patient with strangers around me, and those around me that I know.  You just never know what silent battles they are going through or how much your sweet love, or a kind word can do to help lift them up.  I just never imagined my life being in the place it is right now.  I thought I was prepared for everything, I thought I had gone though every scenario possible in my head to go through in my life and that in some way I would have control over the rest.  I thought I was prepared for it all.

I need to seriously bear my testimony of my Father in Heaven.  He hears EVERY prayer.  As hard as it is to believe sometimes, He knows what he is doing.  He knows what we don't know.  He is in control.  He will use you when you are needed, and he will help you when you need Him.  After this week I joke to myself that I should have been more careful in what I prayed for.  But I knew, even as I was praying and feeling hesitant about actually saying the words I felt I needed to say.  I thought to myself at the time that I better watch what I pray for.  But then I felt peace that I needed to say it, and ask it, and mean it.  Without even knowing what was about to come my way I had faith that I was ready to take on, and do whatever it took to be all I could be and help those I love be all they could be and all that we were sent here to be.

I'm thankful for my Father in Heaven.  I'm AMAZED at the Miracle ( I don't use that word lightly)He has performed in my heart already.  He has truly lifted me up and IS carrying me.  I know he is taking care of me and my baby right now, and my Husband.  Once again, I'm standing back looking at my life and I'm able to see a portion of where I would be without my Savior, and I'm blessed I'm choosing to not do it alone.  I'm so thankful I know where to go for help and how to access His power.  There is still such a long, long road to travel but I'm so happy and peaceful it doesn't have to be so rough or sad if I had chosen to do it on my own.

Due to the stress of the week I have gone back down to the weight I was before I got pregnant.  =(  That does not make me happy.  Because the baby is supposedly over 1lb now.  Plus with everything else that is supposed to be going on inside me causing me to gain weight I'm very surprised I can still be the same weight I was before I got pregnant.  Eating or not, doesn't it just get to a point where your body puts on weight no matter what?

I was given a blessing by my Bishop on Tuesday.   I mentioned my concern about how stressed, and the amount of tension I have been feeling emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually lately I have been really worried that what I have been going through was going to have an effect on the baby.  So I was very relieved when a part of the blessing I received gave me peace and comfort that the stresses and hardships I'm going through will not have any effect on the baby at all, and that he will be healthy in every way.  But I was also told I needed to do all I could to make sure I was taking care of myself and my baby.

I still can't help wishing this week never happened.  I can't help wishing I could take my memories, and my heart back to last week and just stay there.  I have faith in my Father in Heaven and I know all will be well, but right now I'm wondering if my heart really will heal without a scar.  I just want everything as it should be, or at least as I thought it was.  I never would have described myself as "innocent".  but I feel like before this week I was innocent and now I know more about this world then I ever wanted to.

So often I want my Mommy when times are tough.  I find it so interesting that when I cry I find myself actually calling out, "Mommy, Mommy I need you." A 29 year old woman about to have a baby of her own calling out like a child for her loving Mother.  Jesus when he was suffering in Gethsemane called and cried out to his Father, "Abba" meaning Daddy in Hebrew translation, when he felt he couldn't take anymore.  I'm not at all comparing myself.  Just making an observation that we all have moments when we break down and become as little children searching for the help of our parents to rescue us and help us, and give us the answers or kiss our booboos and make everything all better.  The power of a loving Parent is amazing.  I was also told in the same blessing on Tuesday that my Mother would be a huge comfort and support to me during this time in my life.  My mom doesn't even have to know what I'm dealing with to be there for me. 

I called her up on Tuesday and asked her if she could just pray for me without knowing why.  And still she is continuing to be everything I need just by being a phone call away.  Of course having her right beside me for a Mommy hug would be even better, but at least we have phones!  I'm not in the 1800's having to write her a letter and wait a month for a response. =)

They say time heals all wounds.  I believe that because that has happened in many areas of my life.  Even though I can't see the end of the road and it may look very black and hopeless now, I have experiences in my past that I can hold to and look to as a sign that Miracles do happen.  I KNOW Heavenly Father wants us all to move past our hurts, offenses, sins, and temptations.  I also KNOW that we can.  I can't give in to the Great Deceiver, Satan.  I need to continue to fight his lying influence that all is hopeless.  I NEED to have faith and keep putting one toenail in front of the other. 

When I think of faith I think of Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail. (funny I know but it's true) He comes to a point where he is at a huge ravine and he needs to step off the ledge into nothing.  He needs to have faith that there will be something there to catch him even though he can't see anything, but what he is seeing is a HUGE fall to his death.  If he doesn't have faith he WILL fall.  He eventually takes the step, with his eyes closed tight, fists clinched, and AFTER he takes the step his foot lands on a solid path and he is then able to see the rest of the path made clear to him.