The baby has been moving a TON! Which I love. I really can't help laughing or giggling when he moves a lot. It just makes me SO happy. Hands down my all time favorite experience of all time.
I'm having a totally normal wide range of emotions. Sometimes I'm so excited and I feel like I'm made for this and I will be a total natural. Other times I'm scared beyond words for myself and this baby. I feel so selfish for having a baby when I don't think I'm ready...and didn't think I was ready when I knew I wasn't doing anything to keep it from happening. It doesn't matter now, cause it's happening no matter what. Most often I'm SOO elated and can't wait. I know this will all be good. I know I will step up and do what I'm supposed to and I will love it...most of the time...hopefully. =)
The hardest thing this week has been my feelings of personal inadequacy with Evan. I feel like EVERYTHING is completely my fault. When we were first married I wanted to start a tradition of close to always greeting Evan at the door when he came home from work. It is just something I wanted to give Evan and our relationship. I feel like that act of making the effort to drop what I'm doing and put 100% of my attention on my husband would help to keep perspective. It was a way I could honor him for going out and working hard for his family and I felt it would in time be a good example to my children of where their parents priorities lay.
Well, Evan did not like it as much as I thought he would. He got to a point where he said I was hovering. So I would stand off a bit and give him space and time then love on him but it still wasn't well received. So I stopped and I told him I was stopping and for him to come and find me when he wanted me and was ready to say hi to me. So already my perfect bubble and dreams are being squashed, but I tried to be understanding. He did make a point of coming to me and greeting me which was great. But lately since moving here to TN it has almost completely stopped. There is no more kiss, no more hug when he gets home. I miss the affection that we used to have. I'm totally heart broken because this is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Distance.
I want and am willing to put all effort into keeping us new and fresh. I know somethings will change, but somethings I think should not change. A proper greeting and appropriate affection is something I think should never die. I got very hurt once we got a puppy and the puppy would get the kisses, love, and romping play that I used to get. So naturally my thoughts go to our baby.
When the baby gets older and Daddy comes home will Evan tell the child to get off because he is being smothered? Or "give me time to relax before you jump all over me." I think not. Evan will love it and he will be just as excited to see our child as our child is to see him. So why can't it be the same with me? I'm sad because I know once the baby gets here Evan will come home and grab the baby and love all over him. I know Evan won't "forget" to give the baby kisses and love. Will I even get a hello anymore, let alone a kiss or hug or proper attention? I'm scared I will become jealous of the baby. I don't want that, that's not right.
So with this, and so many other personal things that are going on in my life I can't help but feel it is all my fault I'm not getting the attention I need and that Evan is not able to remember to love me. I'm seeing this through my Pink glasses, but I don't understand how Evan can "forget" to properly say hello and love me. Unless I'm just not enough and no longer attractive, interesting or whatever. If I knew the effort and love would go away once we got married or I got pregnant I FOR SURE would not have done it for many years to come.
The happiest time of my life was before I got pregnant. Now, sadly in a way it is becoming one of the saddest times of my life. I feel like I no longer inspire Evan to be his best. I feel like I'm just a blob that is so horrible. It just breaks my heart because I feel it's my fault Evan doesn't get excited or happy to see me. I'm not sure if these feelings are pregnancy related but I'm feeling them just the same and I hate it. I think it's very unfair that I feel this way about myself. I feel like I'm responsible for my success and my Husbands and soon to be my child's and if one of us fails or isn't cutting it, it's my fault. Somewhere I dropped the ball and failed my family, failed my Lord.
Wow, that was a lot more info then I planned on sharing.
The baby is more then a foot long and over 2lbs. like a head of cauliflower.
we all feel inadequate at times and pregnancy hormones make it all the worse. :( you are great...don't think anything less! ((HUGS))
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