Tears

Evan is out with Reagan to a church function I'm supposed to be at.  I thought I would try getting coupons ready and put to the test a recent Relief Society lesson taught on how to coupon.  Let me tell you first off.  Couponing to the extent of the presenter and to the extent I want to coupon is FREAKISHLY harder than it was presented to be.  Especially with a baby around to pull my attention.

I love Reagan more than anything in this world.  My heart is totally all his, there is nothing I would not do for him or sacrifice.  So why do I feel like I'm losing it now?  I have felt uplifted and strengthened since he was born.  Reagan is without a doubt the best and easiest baby in the world.  I seriously could not have hand made a better baby for me.  I KNOW with out a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father sent me such a wonderful baby because He will not give me more then I can handle and a normal baby would have been too much for me.

This past week however I have felt different.  Tired, yes.  For sure I'm tired.  I have also been sick almost constantly since he has been born.  I think I have had a week and a half of wellness at most before getting sick again with something.  but I have still felt fine and capable of caring for my little love.

I have sleep issues.  I have for years.  So for those of you that are saying to yourself, "just sleep when the baby sleeps" It's not that easy.  He will sleep much longer in my arms.  and a max of 20min if I lay him down.  20min is just enough to tick me off, since it takes at BEST 20 minutes for me to fall asleep.  So when I get woken up after just drifting off it makes me mad and grumpy.  Not even worth trying.  My mind is on full blast all the time.  Now, to those of you thinking, "well, then you just aren't that tired"  cuss words are flying through my head at you!  (sorry)  I'm tired.  there are moments during the day when I get that wonderful drowsy feeling and know this is the moment I can catch the sleep I need but Reagan is usually awake during this time.  Sleep is not an easy thing for me, it hasn't been for years.

But that doesn't matter because my Father in Heaven has been helping me and it really has not seemed like an issue.  I have been blessed to carry on and feel like I have been an excellent Mom to Reagan.

But I guess for the past week I have felt more drained and less than.  The past 2 days have been the worst.  I used to have the most patience for Reagan when he cries.  Evan and I agree, I have more patience for Reagan crying then he does.  That has made me happy.  To know my love for my son has seemed to make me more patient and selfless.  So why do I feel abandoned now?  I feel like my strength and support from my Father in Heaven is gone.  I feel alone, left to myself to care for my son and like I'm falling short of giving him everything I have.  These past 2 days I have been unable to tolerate his crying.  I have had to leave him in his crib to cry and cry while I go to my bed to put the pillow over my head to cry and cry. 

That breaks my heart.  Truly breaks my heart.  I want to love my son, I don't want to leave him to cry when he needs me.  I want to hold him and love on him with kisses and bounce him but I just can't.  I feel like I'm failing now.  My job is to love my son and care for him but I'm not able to anymore.  So now I have to wonder if I was right and my greatest fear is coming to pass.  I'm not cut out to be a Mom and Reagan will be happier with someone else watching him, someone that will pick him and not let him down until he is happy.  So my only role is to go to work now and leave him.  That thought breaks my heart.  I can't leave my baby.  I just can't imagine missing a moment of his life right now.  I crave to hold him after 15 minutes of being away.  But if I can't hold him anymore when he cries or have the patience to wait out his fussiness with him what am I doing here?

Okay, so now to those who think I need to get out of the house (Laura) =)

You are most likely right.  However, I hate nursing Reagan in public.  It makes me sweat from nerves and get all tense from trying to hide my boob.  It's flu season and I don't want to take him out where he has a higher chance of getting sick.  And when he is fussy, I like to be home.  I feel better loving on him at home, more at peace.  When he fusses in public I get so nervous that people around me are getting mad at me for having a crying kid.  I'm much better at calming him down at home then in public because I'm more at peace and calm in the comfort of my home.  I just love being at home with my little guy.  Also, even before I had Reagan I didn't like going out if I didn't have a reason.  And even then I would try to squeeze all my "to do's" into one day so I could just go out once and get it over with.  I don't like having a lot of things to do during the week.  I like being at home in my comfy clothes.  It also helps me to figure out Reagan's patterns and preferences.

But with that said, my VT, Ryan is a member of the Y, where Evan and I will soon be joining and she is all excited for us to be gym buddies.  I am too.  I really think getting out to exercise will make me feel MUCH better.  Because lets be honest.  Having my nasty saggy baby tummy is pretty flippen depressing.  I'm SOOO ready to fit into my old jeans again with out a NASTY over-filled muffin top oozing out of them.  I also look forward to getting the cottage cheese off my thighs and my butt tight again.  I told Reagan the tummy is his fault, the butt and thighs are mine. =)

I'm still not ready to leave Reagan when I go to the gym.  So I will take him with me and just walk around their track, or if Evan is home, he can watch him.