Broken hearted

I could wait and write this in a week for my weekly update.  But I think, for myself I need to write it now.

I had another appt. with my midwife yesterday.  When we went to listen to the baby's heart the Midwife caught an irregular heartbeat.  She for sure did not down play it.  I even thought for a moment maybe she was over reacting, but when she went on to say all the possibilities of what could be wrong I understood where she was coming from.  However, I'm not the type of person that wants to know every detail of worst case scenario, until I know if there is really a problem.

Before she left, she gave me a long hug...too long for a regular good bye hug...REALLY long.  I eventually told her I didn't like her hugging me so long because it made me nervous.  She said she likes hugs, but I mentioned, "you didn't hug me this long the last time you were here." I see them out, and just as I shut the door Evan is there, he looks at me with sad eyes and gives me a hug too!  All this is not helping me downplay in my mind what might be the matter. 

I admit, I did want to cry, but I didn't want to over react.  So I moved on and tried to keep busy and not worry.  Later that evening, I couldn't help my feelings anymore and I went up stairs and cried.  I felt like I did something wrong.  I kept apologizing to the baby, and to Evan.  I wanted to give Evan a perfect baby.  And now I failed.  I think logically, there is probably nothing I could have done to prevent it.  But I can't help but think about all the times I forgot, or didn't take my pre-natal vitamins and wonder if that was what did it.  Or if all the stress I have been under may have hurt his little heart.

After 4 hours in the Hospital this morning, we did get it confirmed that the baby does have a slight arrhythmia.  Which I guess means it could be a heart murmur or something else, they don't know.  But they didn't seem very concerned.  I guess that's good.  I know it's sort of common, and it's not a big deal.  I'm just struggling with my own feelings of failure and sadness.  After all, his heart was perfect before, and now it's not.  So what did I do between the time it was perfect and now?  I just don't understand how anything other then something I did, some neglagence on my part could have caused his heart to now not be 100% like it was just a few weeks ago.  I'm the only one caring for him, I'm the only thing protecting him right now, so I'm the only one to blame that he went from 100% awesome, to not anymore.  It breaks my heart.