It is a ritual I seem to go through after every social gathering I attend. My mind replays the things that I said during the event and I usually have a few things run through my mind that I feel sick about, wish I hadn't said, or a feeling that I may have hurt someones feelings. There seem to always be a couple of things I really wish I could take back.
Last night was my once a month Bunco night with ladies from church. I LOVE Bunco night!! I love the ladies, I love the game, I love the food, the social time,the female bonding "girl time", and I love getting out of the house. The best part is when I don't have to bring Reagan along. Last night I flew solo so I was pretty pumped!
It seems I have a lifetime struggle on my hands, not thinking before I speak. For as long as I can remember I have been saying things that have gotten me into big trouble. To this day when I reprimanded myself for my verbal mistakes my Mom's voice comes into my head, "Think before you what Jenn?...What?" I respond in a defeated voice, "Speak" I fear this will be my life long curse.
Last night after Bunco as I was trying to go to sleep along came that very familiar sick feeling in my stomach as an uninvited replay of the evenings "Jenn's worst moments" begins to show. I ended up having to kneel and say a prayer, asking for forgiveness, praying for help and admitting my weaknesses. I prayed to have the people forget the things I said that were inappropriate, and to help me forget them; it's so discouraging. As I lay in bed I had a firm discussion with myself.
"This is why you can't/don't have any friends. You offend them all and only the ones with a Charity Heart out of pity talk to you. You need to stay home. This is why you are so shy at Church, it's a good thing you don't talk to people at church. You need to keep your mouth shut and stop reaching out, you will only hurt people." Horrible thoughts I know, but they are true feelings I struggle with.
This morning I think I received an answer to my prayers. I was sent this message on Facebook from Beverly Cravath. "I just want to let you know how much fun I have at Bunco with you. It's nice to not have to watch my mouth and to be myself! Seems you and I are kindred spirits."
This message really means a lot to me. That she would take the time to find me in her huge list of friends, click on me to compose a message and send it. She mentioned that she felt prompted to send it. After knowing she felt prompted I felt like that was Heavenly Fathers way of letting me know I had been forgiven, I hope it means everything will be and is alright, no one is, or will dwell or remember anything I may have said that night in a negative way.
Beverly and I are the ones that mess around the most and give each other playful banter. I have so much fun with her, I just don't want to offend or hurt anyone that might be watching us, or hurt Beverly by going too far one day. I admit I over analyze. It's annoying at times but I don't mind it. I would rather try and be aware and preventative, than oblivious and destructive.
well, i don't know what you said or did that worried you, but i do remember coming to sit down at beverly's table and she was saying something and laughing to herself about how bad you were and that is why she liked you so much. ;) she has mentioned the same issue before about speaking too soon, so maybe you ARE kindred spirits! i had a great time at bunco with you and everyone else. i hope you are over the stressing. just keep trying to be YOUR best, that's all any of us can do! love ya!
ReplyDeleteI do agree that we should watch what we say, but I also believe that sometimes who we are is stifled by the fear of being inappropriate. Not that I am saying that we should go around swearing and other such stuff. But that we should try to be true to ourselves. Because no matter what we say or do there will be someone offended in some way or another.
ReplyDeleteI think you are great and one thing that is great about you is your honesty and willingness to be yourself.
I often hate going into crowds because I often have foot in mouth syndrome. Its sometimes a pain to have to analyze everything you say and it is always nice to find someone you can be yourself around.
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