Write it Out!

I'm very confused, when that happens writing it out is best.

It is my fault we are in the position we are in.  I'm the one that was praying and praying for help in finding a new job for Evan.  I was still on my knees one day when I felt inspired to get up and look for jobs for Veterans.  It was then that the first job I found was the job Evan is at right now.  Evan also liked the job and he got the job so everything seemed so right.  I was so happy because I felt I was following the right path. But now I'm so confused.  I'm doubting this whole thing.  We are in financial Hell right now all because of this job I found!

Based off what we read, and Evan was told we looked at our finances and decided that we could afford 2 weeks of no pay.  Well that turned out to be 4 weeks of no pay!  We were still okay though, but now what we thought (based off what we were told) Evan was going to be paid during phase one is also not working like we thought.  Evan is in SLC now to take his test before starting Phase 2, a 1-2 day test that is already on day 3!!  So we are starting another scary pattern of being mislead and having no income for who knows how long.  Long story short, I made a couple poor decisions as well because I just completely forgot about my car payment going through it wiped us out faster than I thought.  MY savings is not in a regular savings account that I can just take money out of.  I can only take out money once before I start to get charged for it.  And to be honest I don't want to take out this money.

Because when will it stop?!!  Anytime the threat of getting into my savings comes up that puts me in Code Red mode!  At this point I want Evan home!  This company is a huge joke.  It's bogus they are misleading and lying left and right.  Evan has been hearing horror stories from other truckers while he has been out, about this company and he is also not feeling like this is the right place for him.  I feel like Evan needs to come home now while I still have my savings that we can draw from while he looks for another job and is HOME.  This way I can also be looking for a job, there are so many reception, dental, and temp jobs I can get just about immediately, our neighbor also told me about her work hiring 20 people as well, (a job Evan can easily do)

I feel like Evan needs to get away from this company no matter what,  it's just bad news.  I feel like if he stays MY savings (which isn't that great) will be drained completely and then it will be too late to fix anything when Evan comes home later to get a different job.  It was one thing to have Evan gone and sacrifice when we thought it was for a greater good.  I really thought sometimes you need to go through sacrifices like these for a little bit to have the greater reward.  Well there is no reward here.  I'd rather have Evan home making less money than away making NO money!

It's just better for him to come home, of course if Evan breaks his contract we will have to pay the $3000 for his schooling, I told Evan just to cut the losses and come home.  We can pay it off over time.  This is a huge horrible lesson to learn the hard way.  It really sucks actually.  This is a big reason why I'm so upset, I'm so confused, what in the hell was I feeling then when I first saw this job?  Why would it all happen like this, I was praying for months and months (over a year) for a new job for Evan and this is my answer?!!  What the Hell?!!  Bitterness in my heart says forget that!  I'll go it alone from now on thanks!  At least then I will make my mistakes on my own and not in the name of thinking I'm following some Heavenly plan!

Evan does have his CDL so he can get another job driving local trucks hopefully, but he has yet to get his hard copy CDL.  So until he has that I'm not even feeling confident he got any real benefit from this whole experience.  If he can't come away from this with his CDL certification and have it get him a better job soon then this has all been a total loss that is all my fault.  I screwed my family big time.  It's my fault, I pushed Evan into this, and I admit I wasn't AS smart as I could have been with money, I can look back now and see things I should not have done.  Small little things, but I should know better than anyone because my mantra is "a dollar spent is one less we have later that could save us."  I didn't listen to my own words, I believed what we were told by this company and I gave into emotions and treated Reagan and I to treats when clearly we shouldn't have.  No points for poor judgement.  We are all paying the price for my stupidity.

Evan is talking to the people at CR England today to see what they can do to make it right.  If he doesn't feel they have adequately rectified the situation he will come home.  He is planning on coming home no matter what between his Phase 1 & 2 because all this has really been wearing on Evan, and me.  He needs a break, and wants to see us.  I told him I will do my best to support any decision he makes.  I admit I'm so emotional right now and seriously over stressed that I'm not thinking clearly of rationally.  So I have to trust in Evan's level, logical head.  He will know what to do, and I will be glad to put the responsibility of this families fate in his hands.  Lord knows I didn't too well with it.