While in Washington I went to my Sister-in-laws parents house for Christmas Eve, one of my favorite traditions when in WA. While leaving Shawna, Lise's Mom complimented how wonderful Reagan was. I personally didn't think he was that great. He was tired, I was tired and hurting and he was just a kid being a kid in a non kid proof house so I was ubber edgy.
Later that night I saw them again when I went to Adam's house to pick up something from his printer and they arrived to play games. Shawna and Lee both went on and made a point again of telling me how wonderful Reagan was, how much Shawna's parents thought Reagan was the best 2 year old, and the clincher was when they said in unison, "It says a lot about the Mom that you are." That really made me feel so good.
Yes, I do work with Reagan and try my best to do what is right to have the best behaved child. But I need to be honest, that even when they complimented me I had a twinge of guilt for taking the credit. I really feel 80% of it is just Reagan and his spirit, it is just who he is.
This has been becoming increasingly more clear these past few days. As I look back I'm really nothing special. I'm still the same person I have always been. I felt like I was something special once, when Reagan was younger. But I can see now, I'm losing it. Everyday I feel more and more like "old" Jenn. I'm having less patience for Reagan, more frustrated by him not listening and not just doing what he knows is right! I'm losing my Mothering heart that was given to me when Reagan was born. I'm losing my patience. And it's killing me.
Reagan is an AMAZING kid. SOOOO many parents would kill to have a child as wonderful as Reagan and yet I still can't handle him. It breaks my heart that I can't even be a good mom to a practically perfect child. What is wrong with me? Why don't I have that gift, or love of children that most women have? Who would have thought that having the best child in Heaven sent to your home would make you feel like such crap?! Does God look down on me and say, "jeez Jenn, I send you the best and you mess that up too, what am I going to do with you?! Can't you do anything right?"
For any thinking, "It's just his age, blah blah" whatever. I still can have my patient heart. He is still a gem even for his age. And yet I crumble over the smallest of things. I'm still able to stand back, if only in my mind, and see that what is getting to me isn't as bad as I'm making it, I still feel I over react at times. I let the little things, and some bigger things pile up and pile up until I snap like crazy for a few days over any little thing.
I think the hardest part is Reagan's love for me no matter what. I can get upset with him and as soon as I shut up he is right at my side wanting a hug to make up. I lost it yesterday and sobbed on the couch at my failure and broken down with frustration. Reagan was right there rubbing my shoulder, patting my back, rubbing my hair and saying over and over, "hi, hi, hi, hi" and trying to get in my face. He gently touched the tears that rolled down my arms as a result of my face being in my hands and tried to dry them for me. It just made it worse and rubbed in even more how much I suck and how perfect my son is.
Oh how we are supposed to be like little children.
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