This recent encounter with my Ex-Consultant, has really hurt my heart and caused me to really be depressed about the person I am, and how people feel about me. When I was going to a councilor when I was trying to work through my strong feelings about not wanting to have a girl. One of my issues was that I didn't want my Daughter to turn out like me. My counselor asked, "If your Daughter did end up turning out like you would that really be so bad?" I quickly answered, Yes!
She commented on how I clearly have Self Esteem issues and that it seemed to her like I didn't like myself. DUH!!
I don't hate myself all the time, but I am really hard on myself. And this recent experience has just really opened up a lot of wounds. I'm VERY self conscious about who I am, and how people perceive me. I find that I surround myself with people that I think are better than me, or to put it more accurately, people that I would like to be like. My childhood friend Christine, was a very good friend, she only had nice things to say about people, she would stick up for me if people ever said anything mean about me, she was, and still is, a soft spoken, kind hearted person.
My dearest friend Deb, that has been my dearest friend since I was 18 is also a very kind woman, she doesn't like drama or confrontation, totally a peace maker. She has a very level, sensible head, and sound advice. She is very intelligent and forgiving. Even now here in TN, the women that I admire and would love to spend more time with, (I can think of 3 right off the top of my head) are amazing women, all 3 are soft spoken, loving, and it seems to me very forgiving.
Now, it may be possible that I surround myself, or want to surround myself with these women because I NEED soft spoken, forgiving women to be my friends, only these type of women would tolerate to be around me because of their kind natures. If and when I have hung out with normal women, or women that are more like me, they can't stand me and are too true to themselves to stick around and be my friend, or find out more about me to see I'm really not that bad.
I don't want to have a Daughter turn out like me, to have this low opinion and view of her self, and to be disliked by so many, yes, it would be so bad to create another sad person just like me. That would be a failure too much to bare. To fail your self is one thing, but to ruin and fail another innocent life is just too much.
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to be social and different than how I usually am, but when I try it, I fear my mouth has revealed my true self and that puts people off. I can't seem to be this quiet, sweet person that I want to be. When I'm quiet it comes off as stand offish and rude. I never know what to say or how to act, it seems like either way I'm messing up. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not, I'm trying to be a better person and improve myself. But I fail at it miserably, I like to be around positive, sweet people in hopes that I will learn something, or maybe be guilty by association. =) If I'm around a nice person, maybe people will think I'm nice. hahaha
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Yesterday on the ride home from church I some how started talking about my looks with Evan. I was telling him how much I appreciate his loving, words about my beauty. He is actually VERY complimentary about how hot and sexy I am. Ever since I had Reagan I feel like a troll. I told Evan that every time I look in the mirror I see an ugly Hag. And how depressing it is that even after I take great care to apply make up to make myself look better, it's even more devastating when the make up no longer works to make me look better. Now, when I look in the mirror I see a painted up Hag, trying hard not to look like one.
Every time Evan compliments me I mentally start tearing myself apart and begin self loathing. Sometimes I even vocalize my doubt about what he has just complimented, but I try VERY hard to keep my thoughts to myself because I don't want to draw Evan's attention to things he may not have noticed yet. And I also don't want him to stop complimenting me. I told Evan that I'm not sure if he is lying or not when he compliments me, but that he is very convincing and I feel like he is being sincere and genuine and I really appreciate that and value it, and I told him to keep it up. Without his kind words I don't know what mental condition I would be in.
This whole conversation was pretty light hearted, but once the conversation ended, I began tearing up with just how badly I feel about myself and how much Evan's kind words really do mean to me. I don't want to have to rely on someone else to give me my positive self esteem or make me feel good about myself. I want to have that power within myself and love myself. Because of how I see myself I doubt that anyone else could really like me. So when I hear confirmations that people really hate me to a staggering degree it squashes any improvement I may have made with myself. ESPECIALLY because I would like to know what it is exactly that I do that causes people to hate me so much. I really do want to improve and be a nice person that people want to be around.
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