Personal Development

I postd this a few days ago but this site was being funky and it didn't post.

I already loved Shelf Reliance and THRIVE foods, but now, despite the depressing reality I'm about to share, I appreciate it even more.

I was going through the training manual they provided when I signed up and a portion of it is designed to help you realize your dreams and set goals to enable you to be a success not only in this new business I just signed up for, but in our own personal lives.  I love that!

As Reagan and Evan slept I had the chance to sit down and study this more carefully and start to write down my answers to the questions they pose.  One question (and related sub questions) was,
Personal Development:
List 3 people you admire
I listed Cindy (my mother in law), Loren (my brother in law) and my dearest long time friend Christine.  These were my picks because I knew what the following questions were and they symbolized the point of this task.
Write down the characteristics these people possess that you admire:
I wrote, forgiving, giving, socially well rounded, good conversationalist, nice, loving, patient, sweet, good heart, thinks the best of people.
What characteristics would you like to develop:
All of them
What do you want people to remember about you? This is when reality started to sink in
I realized I had no idea what people might say about me.  But the thought made me sad and scared.  I knew no one would mention any of the qualities I listed for the 3 people above.  So I decided, I guess I hope people would at least remember me as funny, happy and a good dancer.
What do you want your family and friends to say about you?
This threw me, was I supposed to write what I wished they would say, even if it's not true at the moment, (like, sweet, giving, forgiving etc) or what do I wish they would say about me now as I am?
I didn't have an answer to this question because I assumed we are talking about what I want them to say about me now.  And this is where I got pretty sad.
It was just me and this book, no one was going to see and I was being totally honest and really searching deep during these exercises.  I got so sad to think that if I died I'm not sure that anyone would have many nice things to say about me.  I'm not a really giving person, I don't do anything memorable and good.  I don't have a sweet spirit, I'm not super nice to people.  I would say I'm cordial to everyone that is not in my comfort zone.  I'm just pretty disappointed to discover I'm even worse than I thought.  I don't mean to be stinky, I've just let life's circumstances mold me too much. 
I'm scared to die now.  I feel it would be really embarrassing for my family.  I know that when people die, we seem to glorify that person in that moment and magnify their good traits.  It's funny how whenever anyone dies, it's always, "my best friend just died."  I like to ask, "oh, wow I'm so sorry, when was the last time you saw them or spoke to them?"  I'm amazed at the number of times it has been months or years.  But I like to ask that question because it really gives me a sense of how close they really were.  So I guess my saving grace if I were to die right now is that hopefully my small good traits will be magnified.

And at least if I were to die tomorrow I KNOW or at least really hope people would be able to say how much I loved being a Mom and loved my precious baby boy and that I was really good at that and gave my best to Reagan.

To hopefully redeem myself a little I have been really making an effort to try and find ways to serve more.  Compared to so many around me it may seem like I still do nothing, but I know where I was and how far I've come.  We are all works in progress.  I'm so thankful that despite my huge flaws I have family and friends that forgive me and love me and stick by me to keep encouraging me to keep trying.